Jolie Pitts

Poetic Celebrity Parody – Red Twizzlers Are Red Lipstick, Edition!

Oh little Jolie Pitts
Get use to the media blitz
They will always judge you
And attack how you act
Are you girly enough
Are you girly too much
Are you beautiful such
As your mother
All eyes will be on you
And your boyish haircut
They will say
You are wearing a red lipstick
Just call their bluff
Show them the real stuff
A couple of red Twizzlers
Your sister shared with you

Aww … Red Lipstick Twizzlers!!!! 

[Source]

look dangerous dont they

News Mash: It’s a tough life being a ginger…Luckily? Gingers are built inherently tough

People with red hair?

In one of the more negative aspects of being a ginger, have been associated with…

Witchcraft.

And unfortunately?

We’re not talking the good Glenda kind.

[via Purgatory]Belief that redheads are witches is a folk belief in Germanic culture. From 1483-1784 thousands of suspected witches were nearly always stripped and searched for “marks of the devil”.

These included any “abnormality” such as freckles, moles, warts, and birthmarks.

Red hair was certainly considered an abnormality.

Considering the freckle factor for redheads this was a deadly and shocking horror.

Somewhere around 45,000 women were tortured and murdered usually by burning at the stake or by drowning.

[Read More Red Hair Facts!]

But lately?

Science has come out with a bit of news, which will cause gingers…

To hold their head high!

[via Slashdot]schwit1 writes“If you think redheads are inherently different, well, you’d be right; they’re better than you. In fact, they have a higher pain threshold than most of us, and can handle spicier food, too. It turns out that gingers are less sensitive to stinging pain in the skin, according to researchers who injected capsicum, the active ingredient in chilies, into the arms of patients. Professor Lars Arendt-Nielsen, one of the researchers, said, ‘Our tests showed that redheads are less sensitive to this particular type of pain. They react less to pressure close to the injected area, or to a pinprick. They seem to be a bit better protected, and that is a really interesting finding.’ The finding also means redheads can handle spicier food, reports Science Nordic. It lends some scientific weight to previous suggestions that gingers have a different pain response to the rest of, which were even investigated by MythBusters.”[Read More]

That is until?

The news that people are trying to stir up, about witches ‘trying to destroy the world again with EVIL’ gets out.

Then?

Oh, gingers, I’m afraid are going to be in so much trouble.

[via Weekly World News] A global network of powerful witches and Satanists hold the fate of the world in their hands – warns a terrorism expert.

Sorcerers, all of them practiced in the black arts, are present in every nation on Earth.  They usually keep in close touch by cell phone and now – by text.  And they are plotting to – takeover the world.

“Their aim is, quite simply, to pave the way for the arrival of their master, known in the Bible as the Beast whose number is 666,” says writer Tim Blish, the world’s top Wiccan researcher.  ”In other words, Satan, the Antichrist.

“They’re working hard for world domination, so the Antichrist will easily ascend to power.  And the horrifying thing is that they will likely be successful.”

Blish first stumbled onto the demonic plot quite by accident.

“One day 10 years ago, I happened to be in a restaurant when a man seated at a table right next to mine suddenly cried out and keeled over from a heart attack. I performed CPR on him and he whispered in my ear, saying “Stop them… You’ve got to stomp them.”  I asked what he meant and he said, “The Children… The Children of the Kingdom… That’s what they call themselves.” And with that, he died.”

Frightened, but intrigued, Blish began doing research and consulting with experts, but it wasn’t until three years later that he finally found someone who could shed some light on the mysterious organization.

I eventually found a man named Alfonso Fisk who had written a couple of books on cults.  He tole me that the Children of the Kingdom was a very underground group, yet very widespread.  He knew they were Satan worshippers and were aspiring to political power.  e said they were extremely dangerous and if I wanted to say healthy I’d just forget I’d ever heard of them.  Fisk subsequently disappeared without a trace.”

Now determined to learn more, Blish eventually managed to identify an old union hall in New York as a probably front for the Children.  He hired a private detective to wire the place, and soon he was listening to tapes that chilled him to the bone.

“They were reporting on progress they had made in placing various Children into positions of power in both local and federal government.  Some of the names they mentioned were quite well-known.

“They are well-coordinated with other chapters of their group around the world.  All they’re waiting for now is to get their candidate into the White house and Congress in 2012 and 2016. (They actually already have a number of members currently in Congress). [Read More]

Pffft, yeah right…Like that (above) is happening. Frighteningly however? There are those who exist that will believe it, then? Gingers watch OUT!

Jeez, no wonder gingers have such a high pain tolerance…

Give how history has treated them?

Can you blame them?

They’ve had to adapt.

And become just…

Tough.

i was hungry for brains

News Mash: Zombie Galore – It’s Zombie Grandmas and Gators!

Zombies…

Surprisingly?

Yes, there are times when ‘coming back from the dead’ CAN be a happy, joyous occasion.

[via Mirror] A 95-year-old Chinese woman terrified her village by climbing out of her coffin after being ‘dead’ for six days.

Li Xiufeng was found motionless and not breathing in bed by her neighbour more than a fortnight after tripping and suffering a head injury at her home in China’s Guangxi Province

When he failed to wake her up, Chen Qingwang assumed the frail grandmother had passed away in her sleep, at her home in the village of Liulou, in Beiliu..

Recounting his daily visit to bring the elderly lady breakfast, Mr Qingwang, 60, said: “”She didn’t get up, so I came up to wake her up.

“No matter how hard I pushed her and called her name, she had no reactions.

“I felt something was wrong, so I tried her breath, and she has gone, but her body is still not cold.”

Because Mrs Xiufeng lived alone, Mr Qingwang and his son made preparations for her funeral, which included keeping the coffin in the house for several days for friends and relatives to pay their last respects.

The ‘dead’ woman was laid in her coffin on February 19, two days after she was discovered.

However, Mr Qingwang chose not to nail the coffin shut ahead of the planned burial on February 24.

The day before the funeral, Mr Qingwang arrived at his neighbour’s house to find the coffin empty and the corpse gone.

“We were so terrified, and immediately asked the neighbours to come for help,” he said.

After searching for the missing body, the villagers were stunned to find Mrs Xiufeng sitting on a stool in her kitchen cooking.

She reportedly told villagers: “I slept for a long time. After waking up, I felt so hungry, and wanted to cook something to eat. [That's how it always starts, isn't it?]

“I pushed the lid for a long time to climb out.” [Read More]

More often than not, however…

When something ‘dead’ is re-animated?

Oh, it’s just bad.

Bad to the point where the once dead thing only has ONE thought…

EATING you.

[via Daily Mail] A zombie alligator cam back to life and attacked some alligator hunters in the Everglades.

It’s every Cajun alligator hunter’s worse nightmare — a dead 700-pound, 10-foot suddenly thrashing and chomping its way back to life as it’s being pulled aboard a tiny flat-bottom boat.

The zombie gator, captured in a new episode of the History Channel show Swamp People, is probably terrifying enough to haunt the dreams of regular people, too.

[...]

Alligator hunters Liz Cavalier and Kristi Broussard were patrolling a swamp, when they found an enormous alligator floating in the water.

The way it was laying, the two experienced hunters thought the beast had died.

They were in the process of pulling it aboard when it suddenly all went wrong.

The gator began to move, seeming to shake itself awake.

Then it started to thrash its massive tail.

“Liz he’s gonna jump in the damn boat!” Miss Broussard shouts.

As they struggle to keep the alligator from tearing them apart, Miss Cavalier grabs her .22-caliber rifle. [Read More]

This is the life lesson to be learned from this…

Generally?

It’s a bad idea to take dead things for granted.

Never ASSUME anything dead is staying that way…

Always whack the head a few good times.

Best zombie free insurance…

EVER.

 [Source]

help me

News Mash: If spider webs are good conductors of heat? This Australian town must be smokin’!

Let’s play a game?

It’s a fill in the blank kind of game. heck, I will even give you an example to start you out.

Example: Spiders are to webs what Satan is to evil.

See?

Fairly easy.

Now you try: Spider webs are to _____ what Hell is to _____

[via Physorg]Xinwei Wang had a hunch that spider webs were worth a much closer look

So he ordered eight  – Nephila clavipes, golden silk orbweavers – and put them to work eating crickets and spinning webs in the cages he set up in an Iowa State University greenhouse.

Wang, an associate professor of mechanical engineering at Iowa State, studies , the ability of materials to conduct . He’s been looking for organic materials that can effectively transfer heat. It’s something diamonds, copper and aluminum are very good at; most materials from living things aren’t very good at all.

But  has some interesting properties: it’s very strong, very stretchy, only 4 microns thick (human hair is about 60 microns) and, according to some speculation, could be a good conductor of heat. But nobody had actually tested spider silk for its thermal conductivity. [...]

What Wang and his research team found was that spider silks – particularly the draglines that anchor webs in place – conduct heat better than most materials, including very good conductors such as silicon, aluminum and pure iron. Spider silk also conducts heat 1,000 times better than woven silkworm silk and 800 times better than other organic tissues. [Read More]

And right about now?

This Australian town has NO problem filling in ANY of the above blanks.

Engulfed by a dense cover of spider webs, thanks to a spider invasion via floods?

The townsfolk must feel like they are in hell right about now…

[via io9] Massive spider webs engulf Australian town as arachnids escape floods

In the town of Wagga Wagga in New South Wales, Australia, rising floodwaters have forced uncountable spiders to seek shelter on higher ground. Sprawling spider webs have overtaken bushes, shrubs, fields, and the occasional dog, like the real-life equivalent of the red weed from War of the Worlds.

9,000 residents in the flood zone were evacuated, leaving the arachnids to build their kingdom.  [Read More - SEE More Scary Pics!]

And…

You know what?

They wouldn’t be wrong.

SO?

Spider webs are excellent conductors of heat, are they?

Huh, seeing as how spiders are EVIL and belong in HELL…

Seems eerily fitting, I’m just saying.

The Texas Invincible

Aporia Politico: It’s Time For Spring Break In Texas, Which Means? It’s Anti-Mexico Travel Advisory Time!

Spring time in Texas?

Means an outbreak of excited school children/teens everywhere heading for Mexico to enjoy sand, surf and…

Possible kidnappings, executions and beheadings?

And “Oh, yes,” says the state of Texas. “Never doubt, if you risk taking your spring break vacation? Coming up dead? Big possibility.”

[via Yahoo News] SAN ANTONIO (Reuters) - Texas on Tuesday warned residents for the third consecutive year not to travel to Mexico during the upcoming university spring break season, saying drug cartel violence and other criminal activity are a safety threat even inresort areas.

The advisory comes despite pleas from top Mexican officials to target the travel warnings to specific areas where the threat of violence is greatest.

Mexican officials said that popular tourist areas such as Cancun and Cabo San Lucas are safe for American travelers.

Drug violence has claimed an estimated 40,000 lives in Mexico since 2006.

“The Mexican government has made great strides battling the cartels, and we commend their continued commitment to making Mexico a safer place to live and visit,” Texas Department of Public Safety Director Steve McCraw said. “However, drug cartel violence and other criminal activity represent a significant safety threat, even in some resort areas.”

Last year, Texas officials also warned against visiting any part of Mexico during spring break. In 2010, Texas urged spring breakers to avoid northern Mexican border cities.

The number of Americans murdered in Mexico jumped from 35 in 2007 to 120 last year, McCraw said.

“Many crimes against Americans in Mexico go unpunished,” he said. [Read More]

And for those brave (i.e. foolish) individuals who are unconcerned by this repeated refrain of worry from Texas…

Who thinks this is nothing but a prime example of a government bureaucracy blow things TOTALLY out of proportion?

May I introduce you to…

The new Texas Navy.

[via CNN] Texas is getting its own navy.

Next month, the state’s Department of Public Safety will deploy the first of a fleet of six gunboats on the Rio Grande, the river that forms the border between the state and Mexico, CNN affiliate WFAA-TV reports.

The 34-foot-long boats, each powered by three, 300-horsepower outboard engines, will have bulletproof plating and six machine guns apiece, not unlike the river patrol boats the U.S. Navy used during the Vietnam War.

The vessels will be able to operate in as little as 2 feet of water, according to the report, and will work with U.S. Customs and Border Protection to combat drug smuggling coming across the Rio Grande.

“They’re finding out when those people are coming across, and one of the things they need to be able to do is interdict them on the water,” Texas state Rep. Paul Workman told CNN affiliate KVUE-TV when the first of the boats, the JD Davis, was christened in December.

“If you’re trying to suppress organized smuggling activity, there’s no substitute for putting people on the ground,” Texas Department of Public Safety Director Steven C. McCraw said at the December ceremony. “The way they’re operating right now, you need them on the water as well.”

“It sends a message: Don’t mess with Texas,” Jose Rodriguez, a regional commander of the Texas Department of Safety, told WFAA. [Read More]

Because, honestly…

If a state is forced in to the position of having to create its own navy in order to protect itself from the trafficking, violence and the carnage of the battles with the drug cartel with the connecting country?

Yeah…

Pretty sure that is NOT the place I would want to go to for my spring break vacation.

love takes off masks

Masks are made to hide the glow from within.

“All great things must first wear terrifying and monstrous masks in order to inscribe themselves on the hearts of humanity.”
~ Friedrich Nietzsche

[Source]

Our masks, always in peril of smearing or cracking, in need of continuous check in the mirror or silverware, keep us in thrall to ourselves, concerned with our surfaces.
~Carolyn Kizer