I like to think I have a gift.
You see, I have a very unique ability to see the connection of the most random stories in the news and draw some conclusions that will stun and amaze.
Case and point:
Recently there have been a rash of Pickle incidents that have begun to cause me a bit of concern. The Pickle seems like it has begun a vicious campaign against us for what seems to be its own nefarious purposes, which are as of yet, unknown…
However, taken individually, they are indeed something to be feared, but ah…You see? What about perspective? One must look at such terrifying incidents with a depth of eye to see the bigger picture at hand and thus combine the correlating evidence together, connecting them in some genius way, for the truth of The Great Pickle Attacks of 2010 to form a more accurate picture.
That is where I come in my friends…For I have, what can been seen as, both a blessing AND a curse in such serious matters as these.
I can see the true face of evil, by expertly wielding my gift of connecting random, unconnected events into a crystal clear picture of the obvious and you know…
A ‘witch doctor’ has been jailed for eight months after claiming he could cure a blind man – by feeding him gherkins laced with LSD
Jobless hairdresser Patrick Baecker, 35, posed as a mystic healer and told Axel Pfeffer he would make him see for £20,000.
The court in Fehmarn, Germany, heard how the former motorcyclist had tried everything to restore his sight after losing it in a crash.
But instead Baecker fed him pickles laced with powerful mind-bending hallucinogenic drugs to induce visions.
‘You are a hairdresser, not a shaman,’ Judge Markus Faerber told Baecker in court.
And then today, I see a post:
Pickle jar, mushroom soup used for evil
A jar of pickles and mushroom soup made a bad recipe for a Sterling Heights resident when his vehicle was vandalized with the food items.
A full jar of pickles was thrown through the rear window of the vehicle when it was parked in the street in front of the man’s home in the 33000 block of Somerset between 11 p.m. Monday and 9 a.m. Tuesday, police said today.
Those responsible then poured mushroom soup on the vehicle and left white spray paint on the left rear quarter panel, police said.
The location on Somerset is in the area of 14 Mile and Van Dyke.
I wept as I read this shocking report.
How could the Pickle so turn against the world that it would rope in a can of Mushroom Soup into it’s crimes? Reading this newly reported Pickle attack, my mind couldn’t help but grapple with, “What could all this mean? Why–WHY IN THE NAME OF THE GODS!– Is the Pickle now seemingly out to get us all?!
Could this be just one more sign of 2012, or could it be something else?
That was when my gift kicked in. *nods*
What if it wasn’t the Pickle that was out to destroy us and take over the world, but a conspiracy to make it only appear that way?
But who in the world would want to conspire so against the all of humanity to try to frame the beloved Pickle?
Who would have the motive? After some very anguished mental manipulations, one person came to mind…
Two weeks ago, on February 3rd, 2010, one woman, named Coral Anne, set out on a mission to create a Facebook fan page with more fans than Nickelback. At the time, we highlighted the page as part of an ongoing Facebook phenomenon. Diving deep into her psyche, she determined that what better way to upstage and simultaneously embarrass Nickelback than to base her movement on an otherwise nondescript pickle. A few days ago, the mission proved successful.
On February 19, 2010, she accomplished her goal and her fan page entitled “Can this pickle get more fans than Nickleback?” exceeded Nickelback’s fan page’s 1.4 million fans.
Yes. *nods* So you see it now, too, do you?
So be not afraid, my friends…We are not under attack of an evil Pickle barrage.
For the pickle you see, is being framed by none other…
Than, Chad Kroeger.
The pickle hater.
What did I tell ya?
I see how everything is tied together.
Gift? Curse? *shrugs* For you, it’s a cross I so humbly take on.
Now tell me…
Aren’t you just stunned and amazed?
I figured you would be.